MUMBHAI - 3

Mumbhai (read here) reflected on the ‘Sounds of Mumbai’. The ‘shady night life’ of the city formed the basis of Mumbhai – 2 (read here). It is almost three years now since I made Mumbai my second home. That in itself is a good enough reason to write the third episode of Mumbhai series. But this city is so well chronicled; researched and written about that it becomes all the more difficult to write something original about it.

Also till now I have managed to resist the temptation of reading Suketu Mehta’s Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found and other books of the same ilk. Its not that I don’t like reading books, but somehow the books written about this city are as costly as it is to live in this city. So I am incapable of getting inspired by them (euphemism for lifting ideas) to write anything really brilliant. The next best thing was to write some rundown versions of my own and read them over and over again. Mumbhai Version 3.0 is about shift in my dwelling from Andheri to Ghatkopar. It is about the historical divide between haves and have nots. It is about the disparity between living and surviving. It is about the gulf between the celebration of Bombay in a Yash Chopra movie and the harsh portrayal of Mumbai in an Anurag Kashyap film.

My employer provided me with a pleasant apartment in Ghatkopar. I was more than happy to shift from the tiny hole I had put up in last two years paying through my nose. The icing on the cake was that in the company provided flat I would be sharing my room with no one else while that tiny hole had four people cramped in it, all arms and legs. Remember almost every Mumbaikar is a contortionist. But good things never come without riders! Isn’t it?

The flat was good. Though frugal but nicely done up. But the reality dawns upon you the moment you step out of it. The area reminds me of a tehsil in Fatehpur U.P. It doesn’t even remotely resemble the perceived Mumbai. Only the pollution levels are same. There are more trucks than cars. Thatched roof shops, wares like utensils and steel trunks on sale, dimly lit outlets in the night and vegetable carts remind me of some village fair I saw when I used to sell tractors.

Now when someone asks me about my place of stay, I generally spurt out Chembur instead of Ghatkopar. It sounds little more livable place for a human. And I also don’t forget to mention that I stayed in Juhu-Vile Parle-Andheri belt for two years. So shifting to Ghatkopar, the first casualty is your self esteem. Funny, but true! The scorn on any listener’s face at the mere mention of Ghatkopar is good enough to tell you that your address in Mumbai is part of your identity, so it better be good. By the way, Chembur is also no better than district head quarters of Rae Bareilly. Truly speaking, all those who know her would agree, that Richa Kar wouldn’t have stayed here for more than a day. I mean for her Mumbai is Bandra and Bandra is Mumbai.

I have to travel to Chembur to get my brand of soap, toothpaste and breads. The marketing guys are so clear about their target segments. One can find only Lifebuoy and Lux for soaps in the nearby grocery shops. Skimmed milk and brown bread sound like alien words to the shop owners. So when I asked at a shop for some sprouts few days back, the guy’s eyeballs just popped out. There are only two restaurants nearby, where you can get a Vegetarian Pepperoni Pizza. It happens only in India! Well the great thing that has happened because of this is that I have learned some cooking.

Transportation is another issue. No Autowallah agrees to come to Ghatkopar from anywhere. So generally Zaki (my colleague) uses coercion to get home and we all follow suit. There is no direct train or bus from here to anywhere. So while others devise route optimization strategies, I do with uncomfortable and costly cabs.

Well there are so many other things out here which for once and all will establish the fact that Mumbai has at least 9876 Socio Economic Classes. Few of them are based upon your address and not on Income, Education and Profession. So PAT was right SEC is an obsolete concept. I would shift back to Andheri; the moment company takes back this perk. Till then I would be over the hill (Ghat Ke Upar).

Hail The Anti - Thriller

Hindi film industry is going through exciting times. Rang De Basanti, Chakde! India and Lage Raho Munnabhai were peerless and superior products. These movies excited me because they refuted the norm. These were the movies that will redefine Bollywood for years to come. Rang De Basanti rewrote the rules of drafting a screenplay – it was so clever I must say. Chakde! India brought a whole new set of technologies to depict sporting action in such detail and for sure will spawn a number of sports based movies. Lage Raho Munnabhai brought Hrishida style of comedy to forefront and proved that it can be a commercial success. And all these three had one thing in common. It was the story that was hero in them. Incidentally all these were blockbuster hits. It doesn’t matter to me though. There have been some classics like Andaz Apna Apna and Lamhe which never tasted the box office success.

But if one really tries to make a sense out of it, these movies don’t belong to any particular genre. RDB is not an action drama neither Chakde is a stand alone sports movie (it has its share of patriotism and drama too with sprinkling of so many spices of the real India). LRM isn’t a full on comedy either. These are just unique movies which come once in a while. They wouldn’t be able to raise the standard of average movies. So you needed someone who starts pushing the envelope in the existing genres. Someone who can contest the norm but still appeal to the masses.

The thriller genre is definitely finding some saviors in Sriram Raghvan (Johnny Gaddaar) and Navdeep Singh (Manorama Six Feet Under). The duo of Abbas - Mustaan has played a long innings in this genre. But they couldn’t better their own efforts of Khiladi and Baazigar. Personally I believe that two best whodunits that Bollywood has ever produced are Khiladi and Gupt (Rajiv Rai). While Baazigar reinforced the need of Anti – Hero (SRK catapulted into stardom after that), as a concept it was nothing new. Ashok Kumar played the first Anti – Hero of Hindi Films in Kismet. Audiences had started getting bored of regular whodunits (they aren’t shocked by the culmination anymore or instead found them outright foolish). Also Anti – Hero has been beaten to death and doesn’t hold freshness 13 years after Baazigar. So what excited me in the latest two thrillers JG and Manorama that impelled me to write this piece?

I am sure Manorama won’t be a hit and JG would be a moderate success that also due to Word of Mouth. This is because of lack of star value and limited publicity. After all masses love to see those K titled bawlers which SRK and K Jo are experts in. Still it’s my strong opinion that Johnny Gaddaar is one of the best movies to come in recent times and one of the best thrillers of all times in Hindi Cinema. And Manorama has brought out the small town aspirations and socio economic divide existing in our society so beautifully in the genre as old as thriller. Both the movies are so different that they actually shouldn’t be called the Thrillers. They are Anti – Thrillers. And they are here to stay.

While in JG style meets substance with beautiful camerawork. Each frame in itself is so stimulating. Various colored tints are used to depict the psyche of the characters and background score is haunting. The minimal songs used in the movie carry the story forward and are apt for such genre. The titles at the start of the movie are an ode to movies of 70’s. So the film maker captures you at the very start of the movie and you are at the edge of your seat till end. That too when you already know who the Gaddaar is!

Now that’s why I called it the Anti – Thriller. The movie reveals the Gaddaar in the very start and also describes the way the gaddaari is committed. Audiences seem to think they have caught hold of every detail. But later they are in for shock. The premise of the movie is not to find who the culprit is, but instead it is related to the fact that how the Gaddaar will save his skin or will he not! What further impressed me was the fact the director hasn’t shied away from his inspirations and has clearly illustrated them in the movie. A very sharp screenplay. Go watch it!!!

On the other hand, Manorama titillates you as an audience. It slowly grows on you. Again it’s not a regular whodunit because the audience has the fair idea about the culprit. But it’s the protagonist’s curiosity to find the truth and the obstacles he faces doing the same that makes this otherwise average movie a lesson in making Anti – Thrillers. It’s not a very fast paced slick movie. It makes you think and you fall in love with SatyaVeer, the character played by Abhay Deol, because he is just as fallible as you and me and not a hero. Again a very intelligent movie. It will garner top TRPs when it comes on TV.

10 Lessons in 3 Months

Disclaimer: The following article is not for the people awaiting their first employment in next few months. The MBAs in making should stop reading it here. Please don’t forward this article to author’s boss, HR Dept. and all his peers who consider him a threat as they can use the following text against him.

The ideas expressed in this blog are in no way any statement on the state of affairs at the place where the author works. It is purely a work of fiction because the reality is much more gloomy and dour than what has been mentioned below ;-). The writer just intends to have some fun.

Start

It has been three months now since I joined work. The so called “Honeymoon Period” is over since ages. Earlier I used to wonder about this term – Honeymoon Period – why is it called so? What happens in it? I was so naïve to think that it is the period in which you get less work to do. Naah! That was a myth. They don’t pay you dough to work less.

So what actually is a “Honeymoon Period”? It is the period that starts from the first day at your job till the day you think, “Oh! My God, where have I landed?” Now this period may last for a day for some to years for a miniscule population. But it definitely gets over one day – the day when the truth dawns upon you, when the skeletons (of HR) come tumbling out from the cupboard. The average length of this period has a strong correlation with the length of the Induction Training program. (For starters, that’s the program where you get free lunches and lot of vision statements and inspirational messages from senior management and when the HR of the companies go gaga over the work culture and blah! blah! – they are so far fetched from the reality)

Anyways let me directly jump to the 10 lessons I have learnt in the last 3 months. These lessons will not help anybody in any manner. They are not any guide to survival in an organization. They don’t provide help to extend the duration of your honeymoon period. These are just few plain truths known to many already which I have realized off late. So let’s get started.

Lesson # 1 – HR never lies, they just put things in perspective. This perspective is the same kind of perspective which makes an inmate in Yerwada Jail believe that he is staying at a beach resort.

Lesson # 2 – The certainty of death is questionable, but taxes are certain. There must be a crash course for every new employee in subject of taxation. I think NAAC should make this course mandatory for MBAs. Hey do they cut same taxes for people working in tax department?

Lesson # 3 – The most important person in your office is not your boss. It is the admin and accounts guy. You have to pamper him / her so that he / she reimburse your expenses on time. Don’t worry BOSSIE; you are the second most important guy in office. Man, you would have done better in accounts department anyways.

Lesson # 4 – If your boss is in the middle management, company should train its middle management. If your boss is in the top management, company’s middle management training is rubbish.

Lesson # 5 – Never complete your work before the deadline given by your boss. Your boss will get an inferiority complex and he will turn into a dastardly homosexual being soon.

Lesson # 6 – Never leave the office earlier than your boss. It ensures that the moron thinks you work hard. Let efficiency go for a toss. You can extend your lunch time or even write such blogs to create an impression of your diligence.

Lesson # 7 – Your boss is always right. If he liked RGV ki AAG, you better go watch it and prepare a presentation titled “Management Lessons – RGV ki AAG.”

Lesson # 8 – If your company gives you a perk don’t feel happy. Just go home and calculate the perk tax. CTC (Cost to Company) is the good looking hero of the story while take home pay is the quintessential villain of the same story.

Lesson # 9 – Complicated Excel Sheets and Power Point presentations are your escape ways in the moment of misery. They may be full of crap but you always get some brownie points for the fact that you tried to do something. They always believe that you will learn through mistakes. Haha! I told you they are far fetched from reality.

Lesson # 10 – If you follow lesson # 6 and write such blogs during office hours, please don’t get caught. I have been caught red handed and thus can’t give more gyan. For more lessons come back soon.

The End

P.S. – I never claimed I am going to write anything original. If you find above lessons too common and well known, that’s not my problem. At least I showed guts to document them. Now let me run for cover!!!