MUMBHAI

Its now more than 2 months since I landed up in Mumbai. Though I had been to this city many times before either on pleasure trips or for work related to my job, it is for the first time that I am living as any normal Mumbaikar would live in Mumbai enjoying its life as much as facing the asinine struggles it presents. I was deliberating since long on what should I write about. I still don’t know what I am going to write in next paragraphs but one thing is for sure it would have to do something with this city. The city which conjures so many images at the same time. The city which is an amalgamation of good and bad, ugly and beautiful, vigor and lethargy, vitality and mundane. The city which is a great leveller. The city which has seen a utopian dream to transform itself into an Indian SHANGHAI. The city which is as famous for its celebrities as for its BHAIS. So much so that I am tempted to call Mumbai, MUMBHAI!!!

“Chhhheee Chhhheee” or “Shhhheeee” and “Puuuuchhhhh” are two sounds which seem ingrained in the ethos of the city. Don’t start wondering what it is all about!!!! It took me some time to figure it out. In the wee hours of that morning, I was feeling really sleepy so I called it a day and thought to go back from my college to catch some sleep. I came out of the institute. At 4 a.m. in the morning roads were seemingly wide and silent. I was waiting for an auto. All of a sudden I heard the sound “Chhhheee Chhhheee”. I turned around and the first thing that came into my mind was AIDS. You people guessed it right. It was a prostitute. A 20 something starved looking girl with deep probing eyes trying to figure out her prospective customer. She was really garishly dressed with heavy make up on. Moments later an auto arrived. Ignoring that girl, I just boarded the auto. The sound of the engine was unable to muffle the sound I heard few minutes earlier. It just kept resonating somewhere inside. That was not the end. The sound came back to me at many more occasions, whether it was a late night stroll on Juhu beach or me coming out of a late night show. Also the sound was not restricted only to prostitutes. The sound was useful for gigolos, gay sex workers, lesbians and surprisingly some children (both boys and girls) offering oral sex services. It sounds sickening but it is the reality of the city camouflaged by neon lights, large well lit hoardings looking down upon you and page 3 parties. So now whenever I hear this sound the first thing that comes to my mind is not AIDS, but suffering, hunger, lack of morality, helplessness, hopelessness, wretchedness……..

“Puuuuchhhhh” is the other sound which presents another facet to this insomnia afflicted city. Mumbaikars use this sound to call one another. May be people here don’t have time to remember names or may be all faces are nameless, all having similar expressions and emotions. But this sound is really useful to call for another roti in a dhaba or to stop an auto or to call your friend who is lost in crowd. The owner of shop uses it to keep a check on his aides. Salesmen use it to best effect to track their customers. Everyone and anyone can “Puuuuchhhhh” you any time! Back in Punjab calling someone this way is considered an insult. You reserve such behaviour only for pets. But here nobody minds it. Actually nobody has time here to massage his or her false pride. This sound represents the character of Mumbai to me. Crowded, fast, tolerant, resilient, ever on move, and capability of bouncing back from any disaster….

Mumbai has so many things to write about. So if I get a nice response to this article, I may come out with a sequel to it. Till then SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!Zzzzzzzzz!!!!!

GOD PAYS UP

GOD was worried! Since last few years the percentage of Indians coming to heaven was dwindling! GOD wanted to visit India and look for himself that what was going wrong. But he couldn’t leave heaven until someone takes the onus of handling all the heavenly affairs when he is away. He needed a responsible person for that. So an examination was set to select the right candidate. An IAS officer who had died at a young age- HE WAS IN HELL- topped the exam and he was made the caretaker of the HEAVEN. (Now we all know that GOD did commit a mistake because most of the IAS officers who are good at examinations falter at the time of execution of plans) GOD decided to live in India for one month like a normal person without using any of his POWERS!!! But he definitely took loads of money with him which he had got as offerings for his expenses on EARTH.

GOD lands up in PUNJAB first. He is in navy blue denims and a white shirt with his sandals on. He saw the posters of JO BOLE SO NIHAL everywhere. He thought of starting his trip with a religious movie. But all the shows were ‘House Full’. (Thank GOD-GODDESS in this case- that SGPC hadn’t banned the movie yet and neither it was New Delhi where bomb blasts were to occur at the same time, otherwise GOD may have died-at least the body he acquired) GOD couldn’t get the ticket. All of a sudden a guy came up to him and told him that if he wanted a ticket he could get it but he would have to pay Rs. 100 for the Rs 50 ticket. GOD had his apprehensions but for a religious movie GOD PAID UP. GOD was as disappointed by the movie as everyone else. It was CRAP. But his disappointment was more because he had to pay up for that…

After the movie fiasco, GOD realized that if had to stay for a month and travel across India he needed a car. So he went to a car showroom, bought a Sedan in full cash. But he couldn’t move out of Punjab without necessary documents and registration. So he went to the RTO to get his car registered. He was told there that it would take a month to get the papers. But if he offered some bribe to the involved officers, the work would be done in a jiffy. GOD had his apprehensions but for the time constraints, GOD PAID UP. After two days GOD got his documents ready. He had only 28 days left now…

GOD reached Gujarat. We all know it is a DRY state, but GOD didn’t! But what we don’t know is that even GOD likes to drink when he is traveling. In his hotel room he asked the waiter for a drink. That waiter told him that Gujarat is a dry state and he couldn’t get his alcohol here, but he offered him a JUGAAD (QUICK FIX MORONS) for some measly amount. GOD had his apprehensions but for his addiction GOD PAID UP and got his quota of SOMRAS…

Few days later GOD was in Mumbai. He saw that everyone was running each faster than other. At nights people were drinking and dancing at best of the places in town. For a moment GOD was tempted to think that everything was fine here when he saw an old man crying in a dark corner of a park. GOD went up to him and asked him his problem. The man told GOD that his son had died in ’93 bomb blasts and he hadn’t got his compensation yet. GOD offered to help and took him to the Collector’s office. He talked to a BABU there. The babu explained GOD that the compensation had been sanctioned 8 years back but the man didn’t pay the money to the forwarding clerk for his CHAI-PANI (sweets buddies). GOD had his apprehensions but for the pain of that old man GOD PAID UP. The old man got his (un) due compensation. GOD had tears in his eyes and the answer to his worries “what’s going wrong in India?” He decided to cut short his trip and go back to heaven and further make plans to improve the situation…

At the gates of the heaven, the same IAS officer was waiting. He denied entry to the GOD and told him that only if he would be allowed to stay in heaven from then on, he would let THE GOD enter. GOD had his apprehensions but for the good of the entire UNIVERSE, GOD PAID UP. Now only GOD knows what is happening in heaven…

LET GO LET GOD

A very good friend of mine recently told me these four words. LET GO LET GOD. That friend of mine is extra ordinarily humane, angelic and charismatic. But all social beings-HUMANS-don’t possess these qualities. What do these words mean? LET GO- Letting go all the things as per destined or let go the people and memories that are painful or just keep on forgiving people or all of these. LET GOD- Letting destiny take control of your lives or assuming everything happening as God’s sweet will or if I go to further extremes let GOD take blame of all my failures-personal or professional. It’s very tough to say what my friend was trying to say in these four words. But I assume whatever these four words mean they were told to me for my good. I may be sounding too abstract, philosophical or whatever which is not my nature. I have always laughed away things in my life. But these four words made me think!! Am I still holding upon to something that I shouldn’t? Am I still waiting for someone who is not going to return? I am not sure!!! May be this is the first time in my life that I had nothing constructive to do for few months!!! I was too free to wander into an unknown territory. A territory in which my thoughts control me and over power me!! Anyways let me come back to those four words- LET GO LET GOD.

Last year a railway mishap took place in our country and our esteemed railway minister said that he has nothing to do with it. The safety of the passengers lies in the hands of the Lord Vishvkarma. LET GOD! After that so many big and small train accidents have occurred and they will not stop to happen if same sadistic approach continues. But who am I and who are you to care. LET GO!

Every time our contingent sent to Olympics returns empty handed and we have got used to hear the same musings and ramblings every time. “One billion people-not a single gold medal”, “Lack of funds”, “Corruption”, “Sports is being politicized”, “Nepotism”. Nobody will do anything about it for next 4 years. LET GO! And the moment the next Olympics come we all will pray for our ever-burgeoning contingent so that they win at least one medal. LET GOD!

There are two kinds of students, one those who put in their efforts all the year and work hard and others those who don’t. But at the end of the academic year both kinds of students become really religious. Doing daily prayers and going to places of worship is a must for them! Now it’s all right for the former kind but for the latter ones I doubt that GOD will help! Firstly the whole year they LET GO things and now they are following LET GOD. Why would GOD help those who haven’t worked instead of some atheists who have really burnt the midnight oil?

There are so many examples like these, which can highlight our CHALTA HAI attitude. LET GO and umpteen instances that prove that instead of believing in GOD we are over dependent on HIM. LET GOD! Potholes on the roads, power cuts in summers, stinking government offices, obnoxious politicians, unclean surroundings, our own failed performances, our own failed relations, failed governments…for everything and anything we blame GOD and we LET GOD!! And we LET GO the things as they are!! I am also one of the culprits. Somewhere down the line I also have LET GO things. I have also blamed my destiny or my luck or GOD for all my big and small failures, whether it was undesired results in my academics or lack of achievements in my job or plainly losing some one dear to me because of my shortcomings.

So I thank my friend who told me these words. I may not have got the intended meaning right but the message is written on the wall and is very clear. “PULL UP YOUR SOCKS BUDDY. ITS HIGH TIME YOU INTROSPECT AND TRY TO IMPROVE YOURSELF. REMOVE YOUR SHORTCOMINGS AND ITS YOU WHO CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. DON’T HOLD THE PAST TOO TIGHTLY. LOOK FORWARD TO A BRIGHT FUTURE. BELIEVE IN GOD IF YOU CAN BUT STOP DEPENDING ON HIM.” I don’t know whether it’s easy to follow this message or not. But I will give it a try and if I fail I won’t blame GOD for this. LET me GO now and LET GOD take care of all of us…